Dating = Self-Promotion?
I agree with a few things Allison writes in her columns. The importance of being yourself: I translate that meaningless string into “being honest” (which is another thing she mentions). Being honest with other people: when you don’t want someone in your life, it’s not time for them to be in your life and you need to have the courage to tell them. Being honest with yourself: taking time to understand precisely why you, for instance, are mad at someone. (90% of the time I discover anger is within me, triggered by memories of painful similar situations, over-sensitivity, remnants of an adolescent willingness to please etc…).
Jullia Allison takes honesty to the next level by writing about the most personal features of her life. I admire her for fearlessly exposing her weakest spots. It hurts when someone tells you you’ve failed on a professional level, but it takes reckless self-assurance to be unphased by someone snickering at your romantic mishaps.
But Allison pitches all these valuable life lessons as “you need to learn these to get yourself a hot date.” First, if you are confident and self-assured ie emotionally self-sufficient and independent, why would you need to cram your schedule with dates? The path to a stable, healthy relationship is learning that spending an evening home blogging, or an hour video skyping with your best girlfriend is just as fun (and often sometimes more) as spending two hours at dinner, analyzing the smallest snicker or most insignificant flat joke in search of soulmate symptoms.
Then, the dating=self-promotion interview collection : reading this, I’m gathering this is how dating works in NY. The downtown bar is crammed with young white-collars protectively wielding blackberries. You get noticed, not because of the high-heels that you can barely walk in (nobody can see those), but because of your backless-frontless minidress. You stand next to one of the blackberry shields and seductively let your body pulsate to the 80s mix. And then suddenly, one of them lowers his shield and takes a jab. You’ve prepared your repartee: “I like eating bananas over whole-wheat bread. I’m quirky, I like S&M parties.” And he, wowed by your self-assurance and honesty, orders you a $20 cosmo with his BB, simultaneously punching in your phone number. Ensues the fancy dinner dance which leads straight to an upper-east side apt, 2 beautiful kids and many, many a day shopping at Bloomingdales.
What part does the other play when you are promoting yourself? In my experience, the most “fruitful” conversations were those in which I took a sincere interest in the other person. If you are dating to find someone who can maximize your happiness and vice versa, then learning more about the person in front of you should be the first step (even though nothing can replace patiently enjoying plenty of time together). If you are dating to avoid facing yourself, then anything, including self-obsessed conversation is a valid distraction.
(disclaimer: my behavior is nowhere near the squeaky clean standards I’m promoting in this post, but I do my best)
great capture,beautiful composition with rich colours.